Holy Mother of Pearl

Thanks to all of you out there who have sent “get well” wishes. I am most appreciative of your kind words. I am getting better. Still not 100%, but definitely on the mend.

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Today’s post is about a well known phenomenon that most of us women have suffered with for years: Excess body hair.

Actually, if we were smart and European, we wouldn’t care. We’d go around with our hairy legs and hairy armpits and never give it another thought. But, alas, we are not. We are Americans (most of us) and our society’s standards of “beauty” includes smooth hair-free legs, armpits, faces, et al.

Unfortunately, I have discovered that the older I get the more of a propensity I have developed for growing facial hair. I looked in the mirror one day and said to myself, “Self, you are growing a mustache!” I did not like this AT ALL. Therefore, I decided at my next leg waxing session, I would have my wax lady “do” my upper lip.

I am quite capable of growing a “forest” on my legs, but, for some odd reason, I have almost no armpit hair. That’s handy, for the thought of waxing THAT area makes me sweaty and nervous. I don’t wear bikinis, for with my figure and at my age, it would be a sight to make grown men cry. It’s a good thing I have no desire or ability to wear bikinis for again, the thought of waxing anywhere in that general area also makes me all sweaty and nervous. However, somehow, the idea of waxing my upper lip didn’t really bother me at all.

I have gnarly chin hairs that are just itching to grow down to my navel, but with my handy tweezers, I keep them under control. There are only about 6 or 7 of them, but boy they are determined. I pull them out by the “root” and the damn things grow right back just like the plucking had never happened. I guess if I were a guy, I could grow a helluva beard. Anyway, the point is, I’m accustomed to disposing of unwanted facial hair and I didn’t think the lip thing would be any particular big deal.

So, comes leg waxing day and I casually tell my wax lady that I want her to wax my upper lip today since I am growing a “mustache”. She laughs and says “No worries, I’ve done that a million times. Lots of ladies are growing mustaches and this is the best way to get rid of them.”

She does my legs first and then moves to the head of the table. She quickly and efficiently puts the warm wax on my upper lip and also does my eyebrows for good measure. I am pleased, for I can already “see” my new hair-free self and I’m sure I will be happy and hairless.

After a few minutes, she reaches down and grabs hold of the now firm edge of the lip wax and says “this may sting a bit” and she pulls the wax off my upper lip.

I am tough, I am strong, I am WOMAN!

However, I thought I was absolutely going to DIE when she jerked that wax off my lip. I was quite sure that she had accidentally ripped off my lip. I saw stars it hurt so bad. My upper lip was zinging and stinging and screaming as though I had just been punched in the mouth. I had tears in my eyes; it hurt so bad, I couldn’t even say anything as I was gasping for breath. “Ohmigod”, I finally gasped in a stunned voice. “That was unbelievably bad, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.” My lip was now numb with shock but underneath the numb, it was still hurting. She assures me that I will get used to it and next time it won’t hurt near so bad. Surely she is joking. Does she really think I will let her do this to me again? I will grow a luxuriant black beard or take up shaving or something but never this again.

It continues to hurt. I pay her. I leave. I go home. I look in the mirror. I am hair-free. I am also flaming red and in pain. Now instead of a black hair mustache, I have a flaming red skin, numb to the core, mustache. It took HOURS for the numbness and pain to wear off.

I discussed this painful event with friends and family mainly to see if others had had this experience or if I was just a wimp. My niece had had a similar experience and when the wax was ripped off her upper lip, she screamed, “Holy Mother of Pearl!!” and cradled what she assumed to be her lipless face in her hands. Apparently this painful response is pretty normal, at least to first timers. What’s amazing to me is that any first timer ever becomes a second timer. What are they? Masochists?

I do believe that the next time the “mustache” is bothering me, I will try one of those cream depilatories. It may burn the hair off my upper lip and take some skin with it, but it can’t possibly be as bad as the lip waxing experience.

What we go through in the name of beauty……………………………..